There I was, stuck bar hopping for another hour, with three co-workers that I had nothing in common with, barely knew, and all of whom I really didn’t want to get to know any better. It was my birthday, and the entire day was completely screwed up. If only I’d called in sick the way I’d wanted to that morning, I’d still be a fat, blind punk…with a very bad attitude. If only I’d done this if only I’d done that. Now that the tub was full, I used my feet to shut the taps off and tried unsuccessfully not to think about that day-that last day that he had allowed me to live in the world of sunlight. Sorry, for my sorry excuse for a life? Well, sorry just didn’t cut it, and I was royally pissed about that.
Xavier, your son’s blindness is beyond medical explanation.” Shrug of white lab coat shoulders. I wasn’t comforted to hear their prognosis. “ Ocular Degeneration” and “We have no real explanation as to why it seems to have stopped just this side of your son being completely blind” weren’t good enough explanations for me, but that was the best the specialists could do. But I was able to live on my own, to get around on my own, and to hold down a boring job, because I could see a computer screen if I used a very large font and the room was dark in contrast to the bright computer screen. With thick lenses and very bright light, I could actually get around and function but not enough to avoid the label “seeing impaired” though. The doctors never did come up with an explanation for my failing eyesight or for the fact that at a certain point, it stopped. It was as if the world were picking on me, and my family was leaving me behind in darkness. I felt so alone and resented that everyone else could go along with their daily tasks when I couldn’t.
At least, that was what I thought then, not realizing that my family was affected by my blindness too. I was lost in my darkening world, and I hated everyone because I was the only one affected. I didn’t want anyone to look at me, to see the real me.
It wasn’t until I started going blind in high school that I’d started to put on the weight and grow a nasty personality. Now that I was thin, I needed the extra cushioning that a nice, expensive, thick towel would give when I wanted to lie back in the tub. When I’d been heavy, even the back of my neck had been cushioned with fat. I sighed, and stretching an arm out of the bath, I reached for and rolled up a plush hand towel into a tube, setting it behind my neck.
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